A Blind Girl's Colours

Lost for words and
let down by them,
she repeated a simple phrase
over and over again to me,
pouring herself into each expression.

Her intensity was obvious –
its depth flattered me.


(For F.)


8 October 1983
 
 

F. was not a stupid woman but she’d had a mother who’d told her she was and she believed her. I do wonder about why parents pick on certain of their children and dote on others. I only had the one kid. I only wanted the one. Anyway F. was not stupid but she did lack confidence and so, even though she knew big words, she would never use them. When it comes to expressing love most of us find ourselves stuck with the same three words: I, love and you. And, once you’ve said them, what then? What more is there to say? So you say them again with more feeling, with tears in your eyes, looking straight in her eyes.

I’m reminded of Annie Hall, the scene at the dock, New York City:

ANNIE

Well, I certainly ... I think that's very– Yeah, yeah ...
          (Laughing)
yeah. Do you love me?

ALVY

I – uh, love is, uh, is too weak a word for what...

ANNIE

Yeah.

ALVY

– I ... I lerve you.
           (Over Annie's laughter)
You know, I lo-ove you. I luff you. There are two "f's."
           (Over Annie's laughter)
I – I have to invent– Of course I love you.

I didn’t tell my first wife I was in love with her, not at first. I opted for “in like”. I’d never heard it before and as far as I was concerned I’d invented the expression. Googling it now I see I’m not alone and probably wasn’t even the first.

Love puzzles me. I’m pretty clear on all the other emotions but someone love got messed up somewhere along the line. Wonder why that is?